Absent PM Never Returned From Buying Pack Of Cigs

  • 23 August 2021
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Three sprints after stepping out to pick up a pack of cigarettes and a carton of milk, a team of local engineers has finally determined that their PM is not returning. The PM, Richard Matthews, had apparently been bringing home the bacon and not receiving the necessary respect deserving of such an act. Matthews cited the childlike attitudes of his developers and diminished sex drive as other key factors to abandoning the team.

Since the PM’s abrupt departure, productivity has been up 200%. However, no Agile ceremonies have been completed, leaving management asking questions. Senior manager Jim Newman had this to say, “I’ve been noticing many new features being deployed from the team, but I have not seen a single sprint closure nor updates on progress, so I can only assume nothing is being done”. Subsequently, Upper Management has been questioning getting involved. When asked what they intended to do, they all responded, “We’d yell at the PM, but without him, we don’t know where else we could direct our anger”. They were last seen bickering over comp packages.

Since Richard’s departure, there has been a notable increase in smoking amongst all PMs in the organization with many citing it as a contingency plan. Richard’s team morale has been generally down, despite the increase in productivity. Team members cite long-lasting childhood trauma as the root cause. Overall PM abandonment may be a welcome change industry-wide as PMs relieve themselves of their burdensome developers and developers finally get the house to themselves.

All your friends are doing it. Are you not cool yet?

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