In a press release this past Tuesday, President Biden announced that no innovation will be allowed for the next four years.

“My fellow Americans,” said a tearful Biden, “we have focused too long on our debt to China and foreign investors. It is time to focus on the changes that will truly improve our nation.”

“It’s a zero-tolerance policy,” continued Biden.

When asked about full rewrites in new languages, Biden nodded vigorously. “We’ll be giving big tax deductions to companies that can switch to any language that has even a marginal increase in utility.”

“But no added functionality,” he reminded the reporters sternly. “That’s letting the Chinese win.”