May 2, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - In the aftermath of a settlement with Theranos investor Parker Fund Management, Elizabeth Holmes announced today her intention to join the Consortium for the Hindrance of Ethics and Tact (CHEAT), a federation of morally bankrupt technology executives working together to obliterate the integrity of the technology sector for personal financial gain.

According to a CHEAT spokesperson, Holmes brings to the organization a lifetime of knowledge, intuition, and experience that will be critical for propagating their philosophy of stepping on other people to get ahead. She is an impressive addition to the institution’s already august leadership cadre; notable board members include its chairman, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick, and treasurer, former Zenefits CEO Parker Conrad.

With its pedigree of manipulation, fraud, and legislative abuse, CHEAT is recognized industry-wide as the preeminent dirtbag think tank. Founded in 2012, the 501(c)(3) congealed out of a shared desire to maximize financial opportunity by not giving a damn about virtue, humanity, or jurisprudence. On the CHEAT website, its mission statement reads: “Smoke ethics out of its hidey hole, and exterminate it with prejudice”.

This article was originally published on AlwaysTrending, a fantastic (but archived) satire site by Matt Frisbie. Copied here with permission of the author.