May 3, 2017 SAN JOSE - In the aftermath of a short-lived but devastating email attack affecting millions of people across the globe, unremarkable area man Philip Donovan could not help but feel a bit dejected after his Gmail account was totally unaffected the entire day. Google was quick to take action to halt the ferocious email worm, and the company has released instructions on what actions people besides nobodies like Philip Donovan should take to protect themselves and their accounts. The worm masqueraded as an email containing a link to a shared document; once the user opened the document, the virus gave itself access to their account’s entire contact list and sent a copy to every email on that list that did not belong to a complete loser. Donovan spent the bulk of the afternoon reading through dozens of articles which analyzed the frightening attack vector that couldn’t be bothered to waste time on him. At several points in the afternoon, Donovan executed a search for “has shared a document” in Gmail, but to no avail.

This article was originally published on AlwaysTrending, a fantastic (but archived) satire site by Matt Frisbie. Copied here with permission of the author.