August 15, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - Embroiled in a bitter dispute over control of the company, Uber board members Benchmark Capital and former CEO Travis Kalanick tested company allegiance this week by placing all Uber employees in the middle of a room and calling to them at the same time to see who they loved more.

Witnesses indicated that each board member attempted to leverage friendly-sounding voices, forced smiles, energetic clapping, and wild gesticulation in a frenzied attempt to goad employees to choose to walk over to them and not the other. Uber employees seemed to be confused at first by the sudden commotion, expressions of anxiety and trepidation painted across their faces as each board member issued conflicting commands.

One by one, employees began to peel off from the group and cautiously wander over to their board member of choice. Whenever a board member saw an employee beginning to wander over towards their side, their excitement palpably swelled and their soft beckoning was replaced by shrieks of delight. Reports indicated that, on several occasions, Kalanick’s screams of excitement over an employee walking towards him frightened them into fleeing to the Benchmark Capital side.

At press time, only a few Uber employees remained in the middle. The congregation appeared to have evenly divided between the two board members, and Kalanick and Benchmark were hoarsely pleading with the holdouts to break the stalemate.

This article was originally published on AlwaysTrending, a fantastic (but archived) satire site by Matt Frisbie. Copied here with permission of the author.