June 12, 2017 CHICAGO - Normally sporting a jovial and collaborative atmosphere, the office of a downtown software company descended this morning into a dense fog of quiet and bitter agitation shortly after Bryan Logan of the dashboard team fired off the inaugural keystrokes on his brand new Das Model S Ultimate mechanical keyboard.
Early in the day, the entire staff watched in abject horror as Logan removed the monstrosity from its packaging, carefully arranged it on his standing desk, and obliterated the tranquility of the office with a salvo of explosive clacks. The company’s engineering staff had enjoyed an unspoken mechanical keyboard demilitarized zone for eighteen unbroken months until today, when it was abruptly violated by a bellicose Logan and his Cherry MX Blue armada.
Onlookers remarked that they could not help but drink in the high comedy of the parity between Logan’s expression of childlike delight and the ocean of pursed lips and appalled scowls surrounding him. As the day wore on, Logan’s colleagues’ facial expressions of irritation mellowed into ones of fatigue and resignation as the weight of their new reality set in.
In a bizarre group self-flagellation ritual, the company’s population silently resolved to endure the deafening ordeal in perpetuity. Late in the day, Logan reportedly checked on a pull request he previously sent out to coworkers and was surprised to find an unusually high density of comments and nitpicking about his proposed code changes.
This article was originally published on AlwaysTrending, a fantastic (but archived) satire site by Matt Frisbie. Copied here with permission of the author.