May 26, 2017 PALO ALTO - Already waist-deep in what was certain to be another daylong slog through the company’s ghastly GitHub repository, fullstack engineer David Kemp indulged himself for a brief moment early Wednesday morning in a smutty fictional narrative where he scraps the entire codebase and rebuilds it exactly as he pleases. Reports indicated that Kemp momentarily gazed off in the distance and gently bit his lower lip as he envisioned himself nuking the company’s gobbledygook source code and expertly crafting anew an idiomatic, elegant, and perfectly formatted replacement - replete with plentiful comments and edifying documentation.

Kemp’s colleagues described how the engineer’s pupils dilated and respiration rate visibly increased as he visualized the fanciful and obscene fiction in which he discards 8,000 engineer-hours of work and heroically supplants it with the superior fruits of his fingers. When pressed on the matter, Kemp assured press members that he likely would never embark on such a naughty undertaking. The engineer underscored his intentions by presenting his “to do” list, which listed “rewrite entire codebase” fourth, following “swap from Heroku to big boy hosting”, “ditch MongoDB”, and “convert everything to microservices”.

This article was originally published on AlwaysTrending, a fantastic (but archived) satire site by Matt Frisbie. Copied here with permission of the author.