The Tenacity of Tech Recruiters

  • 02 October 2015
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October 2, 2015 From:

Overzealous recruiter


Vague sentence fragment


Hey there, LinkedIn keyword search result!

My name is Mosk Ito, I’m the head of talent acquisition for AlliterativePortmanteau. With all the precision you’d expect from a participant in a hot dog eating competition, I looked through your résumé and think you’d be a great fit based on your experience with a technology you haven’t used in 7 years. If you have a minute, I’d love to butter you up with some grandiose fluff and cherrypicked statistics about the company.

AlliterativePortmanteau is still in “ultra-stealth mode”, but we are the #1 mobile-first one-stop cloud-based marketplace collaboration app for social B2B wearable tech payments. In other words, we’re making the next Facebook by building Pinterest on top of Dropbox using the Github API - and we’re calling the new product DropFaceGitPinHubTrestBookBox. We’ve seen 400% growth over the first 38 months, we’re growing like a weed, we’re on pace to process over 800 million bytes of data this year alone, and we’re exploding like a dying star.

Early last year we raised our Series A from top investors and VCs such as Balsa Wood Capital, a24z, Laytu Thuggaim (58th investor in Palantir), Fred Iculous Stax (an eccentric tycoon in a completely separate industry), and Dawla Billyall (shook hands with Mark Zuckerberg once), who have backed companies like Zenebriated, SplitSwap, and 47stitches.

I wanted to reach out because you seem like the perfect high-precision surgical implement to smash in railroad spikes with our opening of Lead Senior Full-Front-Stack-Back-End Web Quality Software Client-Side Software Developer Engineer Programmer in Test. We’re looking to hire individuals with strong knowledge of the following mishmash of buzzwords:

  • JavaScript
  • Machine Learning
  • HTML
  • CSS
  • REST
  • SOAP
  • PHP
  • XML
  • VHDL
  • OISC
  • Deep Machine Learning
  • Erlang
  • ClojureScript
  • F#
  • C#
  • Cdim7
  • Visual Studio
  • DevOps
  • QA
  • Data
  • Design
  • Optimization
  • Very Deep Machine Learning
  • Multithreaded programming
  • Fortran
  • Linux kernel architecture
  • ISA design
  • VLSI design
  • Semiconductor physics
  • Merovingian numismatics
  • International maritime law
  • Nietzschean existentialism
  • The Mel Brooks filmography
  • Chainsaw juggling (nice to have)

You would work with our high-octane, driven, talented engineering team very closely - literally. They all share a single folding table. We value passionate individuals who want to make a difference in the world by propping up laughable business models with cookie cutter software.

We offer market-rate salary, suspiciously generous equity packages, and a liquidation preference situation that could not be less desirable. Our beautiful and minimalistic office is located in the greater San Francisco area, offering a breathtaking view of an expansive tent city.

When you don’t email me back, I’ll just keep sending you more or less the same email until you respond. And once you politely decline, I’ll maintain my omnipresence in your inbox by asking for you to throw your colleagues under the bus by referring them to me in exchange for a dubious signing bonus.

When can you start?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

This article was originally published on AlwaysTrending, a fantastic (but archived) satire site by Matt Frisbie. Copied here with permission of the author.

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