June 25, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - Is the new Twitter user interface ruining your life? Now there’s a way out - if you’re willing to pay for it.

In response to widespread gnashing of teeth over the recent overhaul of its user interface, Twitter unveiled today a new service that will allow users to continue using the old UI for a monthly subscription fee. The service, called “RegressionUI”, will feature a 30-day free trial before users must pay to keep their heads buried in the sand.

This service is a bold and exciting new direction for a company that many perceive as struggling to find its way. In a phone call with investors, CEO Jack Dorsey remarked, “For over a decade, Twitter has stoically endured the howling and moaning of users every time we alter the product’s appearance. We feel offering this service is a fantastic new way to thicken our bottom line while also accommodating these crybabies.”

Reacting to the announcement, competitors are already moving to adopt the policy by offering similar services. Facebook, a company perennially beset by luddite users whining about changes to their profile, announced its intent to offer a payment plan for people who feel they are entitled to decide how a free software product should appear. LinkedIn, which rolled out a user interface facelift in early 2017, has added the ability to revert to its old UI as part of its LinkedIn Premium plan - a move it anticipates will potentially quadruple subscriptions.

According to the press release, Twitter’s RegressionUI will feature two packages that will be available in the coming weeks. RegressionUI Basic, $7.99 per month, will only offer the previous UI. RegressionUI Elite, $11.99 per month, will also allow you to re-introduce bugs, errors, crashes, and incorrect behavior that were previously fixed and patched.

This article was originally published on AlwaysTrending, a fantastic (but archived) satire site by Matt Frisbie. Copied here with permission of the author.