EU To Fine Santa Claus For Blatant GDPR Infringement
May 25, 2018 STRASBOURG, FRANCE - The May 25th deadline for GDPR compliance has arrived, and EU regulators are already gearing up to make an example …
Magic Leap Raises $80 Billion To Ramp Up Production Of Enticing Tease Videos
October 12, 2017 PLANTATION, FL - Enigmatic augmented reality startup Magic Leap announced this week they have successfully closed their next round of …
Ivanka Trump Botches Tweet-based Cross-Site Scripting Attack
September 26, 2017 WASHINGTON, D.C. - Outwardly disguised as an announcement for the White House’s new STEM funding program, a tweet posted …
Kalanick, Benchmark Place Uber Employees In Middle And Both Call To Them To Test Loyalty
August 15, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - Embroiled in a bitter dispute over control of the company, Uber board members Benchmark Capital and former CEO Travis …
Bitcoin Core Contributor Realizes Side Project Inadvertently Establishes FDIC Clone
July 27, 2017 Peter Todd, a major contributor to the Bitcoin codebase, completed work earlier this week on an experimental blockchain feature - only …
Report: Interview Question "What happens when you visit a URL?" Phased Out After Answers Including NSA, GFW, Turkey Deemed Too Depressing
July 16, 2017 WASHINGTON, D.C. - Findings released today by the Pew Research Center indicate that the popular tech interview question, “In as …
ECMA TC39 Committee Proposal For Where They Will Go Out To Lunch Reaches Stage 4
July 14, 2017 In the wake of excitement generated earlier this week from the release of the 8th edition of the ECMAScript specification, the ECMA TC39 …
Coursera Announces Pilot Course On Pedantic Criticism Of Major JavaScript Frameworks
July 5, 2017 MOUNTAIN VIEW - In an attempt to modernize its course offerings, Coursera announced this week the upcoming release of “Client-side …
Twitter Takes Bite Out Of Revenue Troubles With Pay-To-Use-Previous-UI Service
June 25, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - Is the new Twitter user interface ruining your life? Now there’s a way out - if you’re willing to pay for …
Open Home Office (YC S17) Raises $7M To Bring Office Distractions To Remote Workers Nationwide
June 21, 2017 PALO ALTO - Enjoy working from home, but yearn for the interminable stimulation and irritation of an open office? There’s an app …
Etsy Launches Marketplace for Artisanal Machine Learning
June 19, 2017 NEW YORK - Eager to cash in on the machine learning gold rush, this week Etsy threw its custom-embroidered hat into the ring with the …
Office Tensions At All-Time High After Engineering Team Member Switches To Mechanical Keyboard
June 12, 2017 CHICAGO - Normally sporting a jovial and collaborative atmosphere, the office of a downtown software company descended this morning into …
LinkedIn Now Allows Recruiters To Send Recordings Of Unintelligible Noises And Pantomiming As Cold InMail Messages
June 9, 2017 MOUNTAIN VIEW - In response to overwhelming demand from recruiters who prefer to invest the smallest possible amount of effort when …
GitHub Reminds Companies Who's In Charge By Intentionally Causing Temporary Service Outages
June 6, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - In response to a growing number of customers who seemed to have forgotten their place, version control giant GitHub …
Software Engineer Entertains Erotic Fantasy About Rewriting Entire Codebase From Scratch
May 26, 2017 PALO ALTO - Already waist-deep in what was certain to be another daylong slog through the company’s ghastly GitHub repository, …
Rideshare Passengers Descend Into Awkward Silence After Driver Misses Glaringly Obvious Turn Six Blocks From Destination
May 23, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - Less than one mile from reaching the final address, conversation between four Uber passengers came to an ass-dragging …
Smartphone Stubbornly Clings To WiFi Signal Long After It Should Have Given Up And Switched To 4G
May 22, 2017 AUSTIN - Area resident Paige Hoffman was dismayed to discover on Monday morning that her smartphone, yet again, pigheadedly refused to …
EXCLUSIVE: JavaScript Creator Reveals Brain Hemorrhage As Cause Of Language's Most Hated Features
May 18, 2017 In an interview with Brendan Eich, creator of the first version of JavaScript, the distinguished software engineer revealed that the …
Software Companies Seeing Dramatic Improvements Following Shift To Reading Chicken Entrails For Project Completion Estimates
May 17, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - Frustrated by the consistently dreadful ability of developers to predict how long features will take to finish, a faction …
Software Engineer Feeling Like Neanderthal After Glimpsing Colleague's Superior Development Tooling
May 16, 2017 PALO ALTO - While conferring with a teammate on a minor issue, startup engineer Ethan Dunlap suddenly felt like a complete fool yesterday …
Mozilla Announces Firefox "Shame Mode" For Engineers Wanting To Conceal Rudimentary Documentation On Their Screen
May 15, 2017 MOUNTAIN VIEW - Mozilla put out a press release early Monday morning detailing their upcoming plans for a new browsing mode in its …
Ransomware Offers New Frontier For Excuses From Homework-Avoiding Schoolchildren
May 13, 2017 WASHINGTON D.C. - A report released today by the Department of Education indicates that incidences of children claiming an inability to …
Software Engineer Should Probably Cool It With The Print Statements After Two Hours Of Getting Nowhere
May 10, 2017 NEW YORK - Totally engrossed with finding the source of his module’s race condition, area engineer Francis Eaton this afternoon was …
Amazon Unveils Home Assistant Designed To Simulate Drive-Thru Ordering Experience
May 9, 2017 SEATTLE - Amazon announced today a long-overdue extension to its home assistant product line: the Echo Show, a touchscreen device closely …
Autonomous Vehicle Engineers Struggle Against Resurgent Rubbernecking Behavior In Self-Driving Car AIs
May 8, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - Cruise Automation, the autonomous vehicle startup acquired by GM in early 2016, confirmed today the accuracy of …
Code Review Spanking Machine
May 8, 2017 From: Your colleague Subject: [company/team-repo] Sizeable new feature (#561) View Pull Request ↗ You, the most …
Study: 97% Of NodeJS Projects Depend On Package Containing npm Creator's Shopping List
May 7, 2017 CAMBRIDGE - In a press conference today, MIT researchers unveiled their discovery from an exhaustive analysis of the entire NodeJS package …
Snapchat Denies Allegations Suggesting Company Logo Is Silhouette Of Severed Orc Head
May 6, 2017 LOS ANGELES - Fresh off their widely publicized IPO, Snap Inc. (NYSE:SNAP) today became embroiled in yet another controversy when a number …
Man Horrified Upon Discovering Six Hour Debugging Session Caused By String Mismatch
May 5, 2017 LOS ANGELES - Software engineer Brian Waterman concluded a grueling debugging session this afternoon when he realized that a JSON RPC his …
Senators Burr, Feinstein Hopelessly Dependent On Encryption In Efforts To Pass Encryption-Destroying Law
May 4, 2017 WASHINGTON D.C. - In the weeks leading up to the reveal of the Compliance with Court Orders Act of 2016 - which would force anyone using …
Man Feeling Unimportant After Not Being Targeted By Google Docs Phishing Attack
May 3, 2017 SAN JOSE - In the aftermath of a short-lived but devastating email attack affecting millions of people across the globe, unremarkable area …
Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes To Join Board Of CHEAT, A Nonprofit Intent On Eroding Ethical Norms
May 2, 2017 SAN FRANCISCO - In the aftermath of a settlement with Theranos investor Parker Fund Management, Elizabeth Holmes announced today her …
Amazon To Enhance S3 Management CLI With Confirmation Prompt To Check If Engineer Really Wants To Obliterate Entire S3 Service
March 1, 2017 SEATTLE - Following the massive S3 service outage stemming from a single malformed command line instruction, Amazon announced today its …
Midsize Startup Impulsively Adopts Trendy JS Framework in Effort to Rectify Insurmountable Technical Debt
February 20, 2017 PALO ALTO, CA - In a flailing attempt at reining in the company’s frontend atrocity, technical cofounder Elliot Chandler …
Startup Engineer Unwittingly Implements Crappier Version of Open Source Project
September 13, 2016 SAN FRANCISCO - While attempting to neatly rectify problems with his company’s API, bay area software engineer Kevin Wright …
Startup Equity Handbook
September 12, 2016 Welcome, credulous new hire! We’re excited you’ve decided to join the AlliterativePortmanteau empire! This handbook …
Tech Interview Torture Chamber
February 22, 2016 ### The Application Page When considering to submit an application, the candidate must feel like they are about to swab peroxide on …
The Tenacity of Tech Recruiters
October 2, 2015 From: Overzealous recruiter Subject: Vague sentence fragment Body: Hey there, LinkedIn keyword search result! My name is Mosk Ito, …